Yesterday was tough. It was technically day 2 and Upper Fix day and, sure, my shoulders were a little sore but really the "issue" was my legs... holy hell my legs. I sometimes forget where I have muscles until a day like yesterday.
But it was wonderful with each slightly uncomfortable, slow, lurching step :) because it means I'm growing again.
Sure... it's a bit inconvenient having to lower yourself to the toilet or use your hands on your thighs to get yourself up from just about any sitting position but, rather than be grouchy about it, I've personally always found it amusing.
This time around it's also a pure reminder of what I have left behind me... I wouldn't be THIS sore if I had properly structured my schedule to keep up with at least PART of the workout plan I had been following. But I also don't beat myself up over that too much because, frankly, I have but one life and sometimes it needs living which means things get all out of whack with what had been "normal" up to that point.
I've spent a lot of time in the past discussing "framing". The basic premise being that HOW you see things and HOW you describe them both to yourself and others really has an impact on how well you will do while traveling through them and life. When I drift from my framing exercises, I struggle. That's when I fall to my lowest internally and that can become a dark place really fast but thankfully, through all my years of self examination, I've ingrained in myself some nets where I catch and SEE what I'm doing or saying and that gives me pause to stop and correct my actions. Often, truthfully, I correct my actions in a very grudging manner... I'm not perfect... I'm just always hard at work inside myself and I'm OKAY with not being perfect and telling people so.
And hence... I'm always building "the next me"... this time, it's focused on rebuilding my healthy habits again and it's HARD. I have, just this week, had several arguments with myself about "wanting" food when really it's just an emotional reaction to SOMETHING in my environment. That's hard to deal with but... I'm working through it. It's at the root of why I was fat and stayed fat as a child. I'm a "bottler" and though I am much better and have a much better network with which to share things, that tag ("bottler") doesn't go away just because I'm in "recovery" if you will... I'm still PRONE to this behavior and it's terrible and self destructive in its own way For me, I relieved those feelings with food. Stress. Exhaustion. Fear. BOREDOM (that's my big one). All of it... when left inside and unresolved causes me to want to turn to food.
Sometimes I really miss my post-op support group. I miss talking about my issues with food with other people who are actively struggling with them as well. Although I often got frustrated at hearing the self-sabotaging actions that people sometimes took, I miss the lessons it taught me on a regular basis. There's a big difference between knowing that everyone struggles and sitting in the same room with a bunch of folks willing and wanting to talk about it. I've thought about looking for and looping in with a local group but it FEELS different. That's probably half my desire to cling to the group I "had" while also my fun little trust issues with people mixed in to be a deflector. I'm working on that though and, who knows, if I continue to struggle maybe I'll be more motivated to go and TRY because I know myself... once I try something, usually I'm fine. Just getting myself to that point is kind of a pain :) I'm stubborn as hell! (In case you hadn't noticed...)
For now though... back to basics... regular workouts, cleaning up and maintaining my healthy eating (but not excluding my foodie lifestyle because I never have!) and continuing to work on the inside of me just like I do the outside.
I like building the next me... it's always interesting to see what comes about and... I know.. if I don't like what I see, I can just keep building :)
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